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Journal- CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE ALMOST MADE OF

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There’s nothing better than being in NYC. Except for the thought of potentially going to school there.

Before I made the trip up here, my boyfriend said to me, “Keep an open mind.” I had me at SCAD almost engraved in my head at this point, but he was right, I couldn’t think like that. So, I didn’t. Damn that advice.

When I got to my hotel that night I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself, “Don’t think about anyone else. Think about you and your aspirations. Think about what you want.” And so, that’s what I did. Damn that advice as well.

Long story short, after keeping an open mind and really falling in love with Pratt, it was ripped away. I should’ve done more research, but when we met with the head of the writing program and I told him of my blog and aspirations to work for a magazine, he informed me that the program was mainly focused on fiction/creative writing and poetry with a smidge of journalism. Damn you for getting your hopes up, Amanda.

I never really believed in the whole “you’ll feel at home when you visit the college that’s right for you.” To be honest, how could I feel at home in completely unknown territory? I surely did not feel like ‘this is my home’ when I visited SCAD. Of course, it was an amazing, creative, and unique-spirited place, but it was a completely strange and new place to me, as well. Although at Pratt, it felt like a place I wanted to call home. And that’s the closest to that ‘homey’ feeling I guess you’re supposed to get that I got.

Don’t get me wrong, I can see myself at SCAD 100%. But there’s this fearful feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach that screams NYC. For some reason after I left the writing directors office I felt as if a bit of my heart was broken.

Everyone back at home would tell me, “I think you need to go to NYC.” And I would brush them off and talk highly of SCAD. But, when I finally got it in my mind that I needed to be in NYC as well, the reality of the program hit me hard and left me unsettled. That’s it? Things can change just like that? Decisions can be made that quickly? As a matter of fact, the decision that was made was more of a no-choice one. SCAD it is.

I told my parents, “the only thing holding me back from going to Pratt is my apprehensiveness about making the move and commitment to the city.” And that was it. Until there was suddenly the biggest reason of me not going: it’s not the program for me.

I know at SCAD I will be happy. I will have opportunities. And I will love it indefinitely. It’s just not NYC. Aka capital of fashion magazines.

I wanted so badly for everything to be magical and perfect. Something to give me a reason to be here. To push me to make the commitment and move. But that’s not how life works. Life is full of let downs as much as it is anything else. And I’m not naive to that anymore.

I just wish it wasn’t.

Savannah, I’m all yours.

Amanda

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